The blog home of speaker and writer Mindy von Atzigen

The blog home of speaker and writer Mindy von Atzigen I am a lover of words, Jesus, and His church. I am also a wife, a mom, and a friend. I hope you'll consider me yours...

The Necessary Ache

Tonight, I tucked in an eight year old for the very last time.  Tomorrow, she turns nine.  And she's our last.

Which means we are to the "half way" point with our youngest.

And this mama heart of mine is full of gratitude for the joy these kids bring and at the same time full of something that makes my throat hurt. 

We are hurtling through time and space, these kids and their Daddy and me, flying past one milestone after another.  It's all a blur of growing and stretching and learning and messing up and learning some more and talking it through and laughing and learning some more and crying and holding and letting go and learning some more.

So the something in my throat that hurts is needed.

To make me stop. 

And breathe. 

And take it all in. 

And store up the memory. 

So that when I plunge back in to learn some more, I remember why we're doing this after all.

Porch Ponderings

I have a bad feeling the following confession makes me a lazy dog owner:  My favorite way to play fetch with our doggie is in the dark.  Not because it's more fun for her, but because she can't find her fetch toy in the dark.

And oh the joy of sitting on the porch in peace while she searches high and low.

Terrible, I know.  But, she really could avoid the trauma of the fifteen minute search if she would just get smart.  As it is, every time she sees me stand to throw the toy, she takes off running in any direction that strikes her fancy at the moment.  Not once has she ever waited to watch me throw the toy to see which direction it took flight.  Not once has she ever paused to listen for where the soft thud comes from as it lands.

Nope, she's already gone, usually sniffing in the complete opposite direction from where she needed to run.

And there I've sat many a night, drinking my coffee, often giggling to myself at her persistence in the search.  She usually finds it after a long time, but sometimes I eventually have to help her, walking over to where it sits. 

It's always been funny to me.  Until last night.

Because last night, it occurred to me to wonder if God sometimes finds himself sitting on His porch, wondering when I will take the time to ask Him what His plans are before I rush out to accomplish my own.

How many times has He wished I would pause and see which direction He is heading? 

How many times has He needed me to stop and listen to His voice instead of plunging ahead into darkness?

How many times has He had to come redirect my path to avoid the dangers I couldn't see or lead me to the blessings He had waiting for me?

I don't think I'll stop playing fetch in the dark with my sweet dog.  But, I'm thinking from now on I'll use those quiet moments on the porch to ask God what He's up to. 

And then I'll spend the rest of the time just listening.



A Mama's Dream Come True?

Last Friday, something happened to me that hasn't happened in sixteen years.

I was alone.  At home.  I was home alone!

I had put my husband on a plane to Detroit on Wednesday, put my two teenagers on a church bus to New York on Thursday, and then I put my youngest two in a suburban making its way to church camp on Friday.

It was just me and the dog for a whole 24 hours.

Don't get me wrong, it's not like I've never had any "get away" time.  I've gone away on mission trips, I've gone away for a weekend with my husband, and I've even gone away on a personal sabbatical.  But, to be at home all by myself?  It hadn't happened since the oldest child was born.  As a mother who homeschools during the junior high years, I haven't even had the daytime hours alone at home yet.  And I have to admit, it was something I've dreamed about a few times.  Everyone in the office kept asking me what I was going to do with myself.  I didn't have trouble figuring it out.

I went to lunch, by myself, and ended up chatting for half an hour with a woman I had never met.

I drove to the drive in and got myself a sweet tea.  And then I drank it all by myself, without one person asking for a sip.

I drove twenty miles away and went shopping in what my kids call a "foo-foo" store, browsing house wares and jewelry and garden décor for an hour, with no one asking me when we were going to leave.

I picked up frozen Chinese food at the supermarket and took it home to eat--in front of the television, something I never allow the kids to do.

I took a hot bath without one time having to shout, "Mom's in here!  You'll have to wait!"

I read an entire novel until the wee hours of the morning.

I woke up late and drank my coffee on the back porch in complete silence.

And after all this bliss, do you know what I did? 

I checked the clock, saw I was to pick up my husband at the airport in less than an hour, and praised God that I would only be alone for a few more minutes.  And then I counted up how many hours until all my chicks would be back in the nest, and felt my heart leap for joy.

I think I'm good for another sixteen years.